One of my very first jobs in high school was at a hardware store. In the thousands of people I checked out at the register I never once wondered why they were buying whatever it is they were buying. It didn’t occur to me that maybe it wasn’t for a home project.
Back then I wasn’t actively practicing, but definitely interested in the lifestyle. I loved pain; inflicted it on myself, often accompanied by masturbation because they were both feelings I loved. Whether these were related or not is left to the wind, however I don’t know that they had a blatant connection in my mind. Today I wonder if this part of me is something innate, or if I conditioned myself this way.
I’d never really thought of this, because why does it matter? Yesterday I came across a question asked on a BDSM discussion. It asked if being attracted to this lifestyle is connected in any way to prior abuse, where many respondents, most even, were abused throughout their childhood. I, no different.
Growing up I’d been hit, slapped, held up against the wall by my neck by my father. He was an alcoholic with an abusive reaction to being drunk. In his sober moments he was a great dad. Really, the best. Did I enjoy the abuse? No. I was afraid. Do I think they’re connected? I never paid much attention to that until now.
My parents were divorced before I turned two, thus I grew up with the shared custody of my mother on weekdays and father on weekends. My mother always asked why I had so many bruises and I continuously told her I fell off my bike or tripped while playing in the alley way. She always nodded and moved on, which in retrospect I think might have been how she hid the fact that she knew what was going on.
What I do know is that, at a young age, I got pleasure out of being above others- sometimes mean. I never hurt anyone physically, but I think I was a little bit of a psychological hitter. I loved to stir the pot. Anyway, those days are long past and today I’m not this person anymore, but an evolved adult with a love for hurting, being hurt, and taking charge in SAFE and CONSENSUAL environments, always.
Does any of this play into who I am today? Probably. We are, after all, the sum of all our past experiences and the glasses through which we see life. I wouldn’t be who I am today without the past. To what extent has the past influenced this particular part of me? I don’t know. And truly, I don’t think I care.